I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Houston, we have a squirter
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
