Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
