Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
