so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
