i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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