i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
