oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I can't turn off my feet"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
