Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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