yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
