I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
