Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
