walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
