My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
