is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
