Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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