Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
