dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
