please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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