God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
