Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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