I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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