just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
