Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
