he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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