I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
