The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
