There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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