Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
