I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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