Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
