it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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