I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
