You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
