omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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