I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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