Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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