No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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