Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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