trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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