you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
