zippers are such a cool invention
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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