I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
