its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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