after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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