Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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