The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
