Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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