i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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