sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
