I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
